A Moment In Time

Graduation.  

For me that word holds many meanings: accomplishment, hard-work, investments, CELEBRATION, good-byes, tears, happiness, sadness...

The list could go on for quite some time, but I would rather not bore you right away.  April 27, 2013 will be a day I will always remember.  I had two goals that day: to walk across that stage without tripping OR crying.  

That morning could have started off extremely bad.  I must have forgotten to set my alarm because it never went off.  I was to meet my family at 8am for breakfast in our Student Center, and I woke up at 7:15.  This was a problem.  You see, me being a girl, I cherish my time getting ready in the mornings.  I'm what you call a dawdler.  There was no time for dawdling that morning.

Jumping out of bed in sheer panic, I took the fastest shower of my entire life, ran blindly into a few doors, burned my ear curling my hair and stubbed some toes going back and forth between my bedroom and bathroom trying to get ready for this once in a lifetime day.  While my housemates thought there was a circus going on, I simply proved to the whole world that it is possible for a woman to get fully ready in 45 minutes. 

The Ladies of 510

Phew.  I'm already exhausted remembering that morning.  Needless to say, I left looking like a princess while my room looked like a tornado passed through it right before lightening struck and destroyed the evidence.  My mother would have been appalled.

Despite the quite eventful 45 minute morning, I was determined to make the most of my special day.  I felt like a kid on Christmas morning.  I jumped everywhere I went.  I needed a thousand pictures, and every one I saw I hugged like there was no tomorrow.  I didn't want to let go.  I wasn't ready to say good-bye.  As I registered my name and received my placement number in line, I was talking a million miles an hour.  I was so excited to take part in this day and to have my 3 seconds of fame with every eye on ME! (I'm not ashamed to admit that I like the attention).

My loving parents

My favorite brother

I walked through my favorite place on campus, McConn Coffee, for the last time as a student.  That shop will always have a special place in my heart along with the people I met there.  I needed to leave my fingerprint before I left, so I did the only thing I knew to do: I had one last product placement opportunity: 

Prime advertising from the stage!

I felt like my emotions were lost in a country where they didn't know the native language.  I was happy one minute, then bursting into tears the next.  I was so confused and conflicted.  The worst part was I couldn't help myself.  Some of my favorite years of my life were about to end and the unknown future was staring me down like some scary monster in my closet.  I wanted to drag out the happiness and safety I felt at IWU for as long as I could.  

But I couldn't hold it off for very long.  When the usher came to my row to usher us out of the auditorium to enter the backstage door, my imagination was running wild.  I felt like that was the longest walk of my life, yet at the same time, the quickest.  I got my picture taken in a snap and then before I knew it I was onstage and the next one to be called.  

Getting ready to cross!

I can't express to you the extreme pride I felt as I walked across that stage toward President Smith to shake his hand and take my diploma.  My whole body was shaking with excitement and wonder at how all of my hard work for years and years had finally paid off in this one single moment in time.  

And just like that it was all over.  

I walked back to my seat and twenty minutes later my class of 900 or so acted as one body as we flipped our tassels from the right to the left, signaling that our time as a student at Indiana Wesleyan University was officially over.  

"Look, Ma! I did it!!"

Wow.  Just like that.  In one single moment in time, all of my goals and dreams, fears and aspirations were all over.  I felt like I was in the middle of reading the most interesting tale of my life with mysteries and adventures still to come and someone just spat out the ending of the book out of nowhere.  It was so sudden that I felt empty inside.  The question, "Now what am I supposed to do?" kept running circles around my brain.  I had no idea what was next.  Everything I knew was school and it was now over.  

Real life slapped me hard on the face.  Can you now see the constant change in emotions I had that day?  One minute excited, the very next terrified, then sad, then giddy and it would start all over again!  Such a vicious cycle.

Now that I've had a month to reflect on the craziness I call my life, I am so excited and terrified at the same time for the next chapter in life.  It's only natural to move forward.  So onward I go, head held high, chin up and confidence in place.  I am so thankful for my time at IWU, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.  God brought me friends when I was in a dire need of them, He taught me things about myself that I never knew, and I was put in situations that broke my heart but ended up strengthening me.

I will be forever grateful for this wonderful establishment and the unashamedly Christ-centeredness of it.  The memory of walking across that stage NOT tripping OR crying is permanently embeded in my brain until the day I die.  I've heard the best years are yet to come, but these past four years will always be the ones that defined who I am as a student, Christian, business person and woman.  

IWU, from the bottom of my heart, I say, "Thank you" for helping me be who I am today.

Best friends since high school!

Friends since McConn, sweet April

Best ToHo mates in the entire world!

Loving Grandparents

One special lady

Family.  Can you tell? :)

Fearless

I haven't posted a blog in a long time, but I have just been feeling very conflicted and need an outlet to process my thoughts.  I've struggled with an overwhelming fear my whole life.  Fear of the future to name one.  I don't know why and quite honestly, it's incredibly annoying.  I have way better things to do with my time than to be overcome with a fear that leaves me paralyzed. 

One of my favorite things to do is to go through my journal and re-read the entries that I wrote months ago.  Most of the time they are hilarious and embarrassing.  Even the one I read tonight made me laugh.  Whatever it was that was frustrating me so much made me write out in a passionate monologue on how I needed God to take the pen to my story. 

Being one that likes to control my future and plan out step by step, this year has been horrible.  Why?  Because God said, "Uh, no you're not".  I'm not kidding.  Every little thing that could possibly prevent me from planning ahead got in the way.  At first I didn't handle it well at all.  I had a major freak out moment (that lasted weeks) and held on to the pen for too long.  I finally got the little ounce of courage it took to hand the pen over to God and said, "Ok.  I trust You to write my story". 

I have had to constantly fight the feeling of fear every day since that moment I audibly gave control over to God.  It sucks.  But everyday I get a reminder from someone or something to be fearless.  Fear is NOT of God.  Fear is a stronghold that will eat us alive.  To live a life without fear is something that I strive for.  There are certain things that I pray for every day and because they are so dear to me, I am afraid that God won't answer them.  Sometimes I think that I know better than Him.  Uh, duh... No I don't! Learning how to place full trust in God has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but it has been one heck of an adventure.  He has changed my heart and expectations on life so much compared to last summer. 

Moral of the story.... Give God the pen to your story.  He has the most creative mind out of everyone.  Trust that He's got your back.  Don't be afraid of being forgotten or of rejection.  As my favorite song says,

"You are my Sword and Shield, though troubles linger still, whom shall I fear? I know Who goes before me, I know Who stands behind.  The God of angel armies is always by my side.  The One who reigns forever, He is a friend of mine.  The God of angel armies is always by my side."

Jeremiah 29:11

Let Go and Let God

"Let Go and Let God" --- we've all heard this phrase before.  We have all either rolled our eyes at whoever said it to us, or we've embraced the meaning and ran with it.  I used to roll my eyes.  I used to hate it when people told me to let go and let God.  What does that even mean?  How can I let go of something when I have it all figured out?

Well, let me tell you... I didn't and don't have it all figured out.  This past week I've realized so many things about myself that I really didn't want to know.  Katie is not perfect (shoot).  Katie is not strong (dang it).  But God IN Katie is perfect... God IN Katie is strong.  I like to control my plans and have everything all figured out in a neat and orderly fashion.  When something really stresses me out I usually wait until crunch time to figure it out (I work best under pressure) and come up with a plan of action.  I hate being stressed and freaking out.  Some people who only see me in a class room setting would never believe that.

I struggle with the tendency of being perfect.  If I don't reach that goal, then I've failed and take it very personally.  I realized this past week that I cannot do things on my own -- although I tried with all of my might.  I felt like I was on the very edge of a cliff, someone was going to push me over and I had no way of stopping them.  So much was going on that I tried to plan and schedule and control everything myself.  I freaked.  I was weak.  But you know what, our God is made perfect in our weakness.

His peace, His love and His mercy flowed down like refreshing water on my soul this week, reminding me of how loved I am, how precious and important I am.  It's easy to forget that... at least for me it is.  Verses like Philippians 2:14, Philippians 4:13, and Philippians 4:6 came racing through my mind one day at 4:30 in the morning.  I am usually passed out at that time, like any other normal person, so for my brain to even be thinking at that time is a miracle in and of itself.

I refused to complain once this week.  Holy cow.  Talk about an attitude adjustment.  An inner joy that just seeped into my heart and could only be from God stayed with me all week.  Yes, as Christians there will be mountain highs and valley lows, but we can make it a conscious decision to choose joy.  Complaining takes that joy away and the opportunity to praise God in everything is stripped from us.

I choose joy.

I will always choose joy... even in the hard days.

Now think about that phrase "Let go and let God" one more time.  Does it still make you roll your eyes?  Jesus came to Earth to DIE for you.  Why would He leave you now in the midst of your struggles?  Let go of complaining and controlling.  Let go of planning and organizing.  Let go... and let God.  Give everything up to Him and watch Him work things out for you.  Will you embrace this and run with it?

I'm telling you friends, it's the most freeing feeling ever!  I know there will be days when I go back to my natural Katie self... but God IN Katie is what I strive to live like everyday for the rest of my life.

Choose joy.  You never know who all you can be impacting just by the attitude you portray through out your day.  Don't worry or fret.  Don't complain or control.

Let Go and Let God.

I Wish...

Ok, so every summer I create my favorite thing in the entire world... my summer reading list.  I've found that once I started college, my precious reading time was kidnapped by studying and projects and work.  But the wonderful thing about being a student is, let's face it, summer. I wouldn't be able to live without time to read my books.  Old and new. 

Well, I just finished a new book Lineage of Grace by Francine Rivers.  If you haven't read it, I highly suggest you do.  I won't give away the details, but I will say that it's about five unlikely women in the Bible who God chose to do extraordinary things through.  She has a follow up book about five unlikely men in the Bible who God chose to do extraordinatry things through also (that one is also on my list). 

Ever since I was little I have been lost in my imagination, creating stories of my own, getting lost in a story and really growing to love the characters like they're my own family.  This can be good and bad.  Good because if it's a really good book, it makes me evaluate my life and usually my relationship with God.  Bad because I'm not 100% here when I'm in a middle of a book.  Ask my parents and brother... they're lucky I remember anything that is going on in real life because I'm so entranced with what's going on in my own little fantasy. 

Well, this book that I just finished was one of those that just jostled my whole perspective.  I realize that it is a historical fiction book, but still... it COULD have happened.  We never know.  All we know are the facts that were given to us in the Bible, but Rivers fills in the missing pieces, and I couldn't help but wonder... this could have happened.  One of the stories in the book was about Mary and her life as Jesus' mother.  How cool would that have been? To be the mother of Christ? Well, after reading the story through Rivers' eyes, I think that Mary had a pretty tough life.  Growing up with all of her loved ones not believing how her son came to be... not believing that her son was the Messiah. How heartbroken she must have felt to know the Truth, but watch as her loved ones went about life not believing.

My mind then began walking along the track of "What would I have thought if I lived back then? Would I have seen a child or a King?"  and I stopped what I was doing and said, "I have no idea".  Think about it.  Really think about it.  It would have been weird.  But then, I started thinking, what if I knew the Truth from the beginning like Mary and Joseph did, and I had the priviledge of watching Jesus grow up.  I know He was fully God, but He was also fully man.  I'm just overwhelmed by the thought that Jesus was a kid just like us, but He was perfect.  He probably never fought with his siblings, never back sassed his parents, always wanted to do His Father's will.  What a perfect example.  I realize we can't be that exact same way and resist temptation everytime we are tempted, but we can surely try.  Jesus was tempted the same as us, but He resisted every single time.  I wish I could have seen Him grow up.  That in itself would have been a miracle to witness the Lord growing up.  But one day, I will see Him face to face and I can ask Him all the questions I want.  Let me tell you, I'm excited. :)

This book was just another eye-opener to me that I may think I'm a good person, but really, I'm a sinner.  I NEED Jesus every second of every day to help me live life according to His will.  My heart is overflowing with gratitude and praise for what He did for us on the cross.  I can't imagine the turmoil he went through on earth seeing how we are living in a world full of sin, yet claiming to be doing God's will.  Every day is a struggle, but with Him to walk right next to us, we can get by with mercy and grace and strive to do the will of God as He did when He walked this earth.

Read the book.  It's so good.  It will give you a new perspective about how ordinary people did extraordinary things.

We need the Church

I don't know about you, but I'm pretty proud to be apart of the body of Christ a.k.a. THE CHURCH.  There have been a couple videos going around like rapid fire on facebook about not needing the Church because it's so corrupt.  About loving Jesus but hating the church.  At first I avoided watching those videos because I thought they were going to be a waste of time.  But one day I decided to watch one.  I will admit, the guy in the video was very compelling and had a creative way of telling us what he thought.  But the message did not stir my heart strings.  As I thought about it, I was a little offended and upset at what he ultimately had to say. 

In the Bible, Jesus commands us to be a part of the body.  We need fellowship with a local church.  It's healthy for our relationship and growth with Christ.  Now, granted there are some pretty corrupt churches out there, but just because some of them are does not mean ALL of them are.  We are human, we sin, we will mess up, but that's the beauty of God's grace.  He redeems us and uses our mistakes to make good (if we so choose to let Him).  The Bible talks about Jesus' Bridegroom, how He will come back for His church.  In the New Testament, he had Peter start the church... so if He did that, why would we have the audacity to say that the church is a bad thing?

Hmmmm....

Another thing that is popular is "Jesus is my religion" or "I love Jesus, but hate religion".  Well, newsflash... loving Jesus automatically puts you in a religion.  Religion is not a bad thing.  We are called to be Christ-followers (CHRISTIANS).  When we let the fundamentals and nitty-gritty stuff about religion get the best of us and control us, well that's when we start having problems.  Jesus needs to be the center of our lives and the focus of our day.  Our love for Him should overthrow any complications we have within the church, but unfortunately because of our sinful nature, we still have problems with that. 

Watch this video and see what you think.  Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus: Spoken Word. 

Again, he was very creative and compelling in his speech, but ultimately I do not agree with him.  We need the church.  We need to be surrounded by believers to help build us up and encourage us in our walk with Christ.  We can't be alone in our growth because how do we know how much to grow?  We need others to help us and we will get that in the church.  No, it's not perfect.  But it is what God gave us to sustain us until His return. 

Are you for real?

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel totally drained and don't know what to do with yourself?  Well, today was one of those days for me.  I spent all weekend working on homework.  I just wanted to rip my books apart when I finally decided to stop working.  Sometimes I just get into these super productive moods (granted most of the time it takes awhile to actually get IN to the super productive moods -- but once I'm in them, there's no turning back).  I don't know.  It was just an off day. 

I decided to re-read my earlier posts and talk with my dad, but I still had this weird feeling.  I wanted to grab that rubber band and snap myself again to get out of this weird attitude.  In one of my classes the professor made us take a personality test.  The results of mine did not surprise me one bit, in fact it was pretty creepy how accurate they described me.  But in doing this test and having my prof talk constantly and in depth about it, I have become more aware of the people around me that have layers.  You don't get what you see.  That bothers me.  A lot.  I think I'm a pretty straight forward person, but I'm not going to tell you my whole life story the first time I meet you.  I want to get to know you first and really know if I can trust you with my feelings, dreams and goals.  There are some people, especially on this campus, who put up a front and show people what they want to see.  Regardless if they like you or not. 

I think I've just been noticing this and realizing how our generation is huge in tolerance.  We just go with the flow with everything that's going on in the world.  We go to a school where drinking is the "in" thing... so we drink.  We go to work where it's ok to cheat on paperwork... so we do it.  Despite our true beliefs and morals.  Acceptance is the key word here.  That is so frustrating to me I can't even stand it.  Why can't we just all be ourselves.  May our yes be yes and our no be no.  I'm sick of people telling me one thing and then the next day doing something totally different.  I want to get what I see.  I want the real person to talk to me.  No games.  No trying to figure out what you really believe. 

Have you ever thought that?

Yes, I have been blessed beyond measure for the people that God has placed in my life.  I have great friends who show me their real selves, and I love them dearly.  I thank the Lord every day for placing them in my life.  Let's go out and be transparent with people... show them the love of Christ they need to see. We can ALL work on that -- every day -- every minute -- every second.  Let's change the world, but first we need to be R E A L.

Execpect the Unexpected

So, I wake up this morning and the sun is shining.  I can't believe that it is 55 degrees out today!  Sometimes, we just need to thank the Lord for the pleasant, unexpected surprises that He gives us.  I hate winter.  The only time I can accept the cold, snowy weather is the week before Christmas, but then not a day after that wonderful holiday.  It seems like we just by-passed winter this year.  Fine by me!!

Today I just could not stop smiling.  I don't know why.  It was like all this energy was waiting to burst out of me.  It was just a grand day!! I love people: meeting them, getting to know them, and cherishing moments with those I already know.  Laughing is one of the biggest parts of my life, hopefully people don't see me as cranky because I would not like that!

I don't really have anything to say other then ENJOY LIFE!  God's presence is so real and well, present. (I had to :) ).  I can't wait to see what He has in store for me and my family and friends.  I've been struggling with completely being ok with handing over my future to Him, but lately it's been good. Worrying all the time about my future was not cutting it for me.  I finally realized that living my life day by day is good, and FUN! Yeah there are crappy days, and days where I just want the world to end, but everyone has those unfortunate ones. 

Well, I can't even come up with a coherent thought, as you can tell by my complete rambling.  I think all the caffeine from the coffee I had earlier today is getting to me.  Note to self: Stop being addicted to coffee.... HAHA! Yeah, like that's gonna happen.

Good night friends, dream pleasant dreams, and be excited for the lovely future God has in store for you and the loved ones in your life. :)