I haven't posted a blog in a long time, but I have just been feeling very conflicted and need an outlet to process my thoughts. I've struggled with an overwhelming fear my whole life. Fear of the future to name one. I don't know why and quite honestly, it's incredibly annoying. I have way better things to do with my time than to be overcome with a fear that leaves me paralyzed.
One of my favorite things to do is to go through my journal and re-read the entries that I wrote months ago. Most of the time they are hilarious and embarrassing. Even the one I read tonight made me laugh. Whatever it was that was frustrating me so much made me write out in a passionate monologue on how I needed God to take the pen to my story.
Being one that likes to control my future and plan out step by step, this year has been horrible. Why? Because God said, "Uh, no you're not". I'm not kidding. Every little thing that could possibly prevent me from planning ahead got in the way. At first I didn't handle it well at all. I had a major freak out moment (that lasted weeks) and held on to the pen for too long. I finally got the little ounce of courage it took to hand the pen over to God and said, "Ok. I trust You to write my story".
I have had to constantly fight the feeling of fear every day since that moment I audibly gave control over to God. It sucks. But everyday I get a reminder from someone or something to be fearless. Fear is NOT of God. Fear is a stronghold that will eat us alive. To live a life without fear is something that I strive for. There are certain things that I pray for every day and because they are so dear to me, I am afraid that God won't answer them. Sometimes I think that I know better than Him. Uh, duh... No I don't! Learning how to place full trust in God has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but it has been one heck of an adventure. He has changed my heart and expectations on life so much compared to last summer.
Moral of the story.... Give God the pen to your story. He has the most creative mind out of everyone. Trust that He's got your back. Don't be afraid of being forgotten or of rejection. As my favorite song says,
"You are my Sword and Shield, though troubles linger still, whom shall I fear? I know Who goes before me, I know Who stands behind. The God of angel armies is always by my side. The One who reigns forever, He is a friend of mine. The God of angel armies is always by my side."
Jeremiah 29:11
